20 Habits That Don’t Improve My Life: A Mini-Manifesto

The high-stress times often give us the most cause to think about our lives. I’m finding that to be particularly true right now, as I’m six months pregnant, moving in less than two weeks, behind in work and stuck at home. Truly, a recipe for serenity.

I’m almost 30 years old, and although I have plenty to show for it and don’t want to sound ungrateful, I consistently rediscover that my projections for the future are not as realistic as I’d like to think. I.e. “Life is going to be so awesome then! Then it will all make sense! Then I’ll stop making stupid mistakes! Then I’ll find the stability/freedom from drama/inner peace/self-love I crave!”

Well … yes and no. Every passing day brings me closer to my dreams: having children, starting a blog, working full-time as a writer. But through it all, I seem to be the same old me, putting on the same old emotional hats, and a lot of them just don’t fit. Recently I did a thorough inventory of these behaviors and emotions to come up with a list of habits that don’t improve my life. A mini-manifesto, if you will. Suffice it to say, it was … long.

1. Regretting Choices I Didn’t Make

Everywhere I look, it seems like someone or something wants to remind me of a choice I failed to make. I could have been a graphic designer. I could have been a travel guide. I could have been a web developer. Well, I’m not. Probably for a reason. We can’t really do it all, and it’s time for me to accept that.

2. Wishing I Were Someone Else

Other people’s lives look so dang glorious. Their hair is perfect, their children are perfect, their cars are perfect, their careers are perfect. In the pictures, at least. Even those who make a living off shouting self-deprecatingly from the rooftops — “See?! I’m not perfect either!” — seem perfect to me. But they aren’t. And if I let them feel bad about me, well, that’s on … me.

3. Judging Others’ Happiness

If it makes them happy, who the hell am I?

4. Gossiping

Although some research indicates that gossip may actually aid social interactions by reinforcing good behavior and ostracizing people who misbehave, for the most part it isn’t a good road to go down. Do I do it? Sure. Should I? Well, let’s just say that most of the time I do, I don’t feel better afterward. In fact, I often feel worse, having spent so much time focusing on negative emotions and engaging in behavior that doesn’t really get me anywhere.

5. Putting Tasks Off

It never feels better. It never feels better. It never feels better.

6. Sticking My Head in the Sand

So, so often I choose to waste time and energy trying to pretend nothing is happening. Of course, I know it’s happening, because I’m spending the time and energy trying to convince myself otherwise. Hmm. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s better to make the phone call, have the conversation, pay the bill or otherwise deal. Problems rarely go away or become not-problems. Sadly.

7. Spend Too Much Money

Spending too much money is one of my worst habits, and I tend to indulge it in every area of life: food, clothes, household goods, craft supplies, gifts for other people. I’ve heard tell that other people have problems with chronic underbuying, but that sure ain’t me. I’ve learned the hard way that spending doesn’t make me happy in a lasting why unless the item itself will continue to add to my life.

8. Railing Against Authority

I dislike authority, but unfortunately, some form or other will always be present in my life. As I get older and more autonomous with work, I find myself at the mercy of fewer and fewer outside authorities, but I’m not exempt. I still have editors. I still have friends and family who expect me to behave in socially acceptable ways. The police can still stop me pretty much on a whim. Instead of hating this, I’m trying hard to see others’ points of view.

9. Wishing I Were a Different Person

This is subtly different from wishing I were someone else. Instead of wanting to emulate another’s life, I simply want different qualities in my own. I wish I were budget-conscious. I wish I got up and did my hair every morning. I wish I didn’t have to control my temper. Guess what? Too bad. Might as well accept who I am, and find the workarounds.

10. Feeling Ashamed

In limited situations, shame is a useful emotion. It’s one I’ve genuinely earned a number of times. But sadly, like many others, I feel it so much more often than is really warranted. Shame creeps on me for many reasons, eroding my faith in myself and limiting my ability to chase my dreams. Why let it? Now when I feel ashamed, I spend a minute trying to figure out whether it’s justified. If it isn’t, pffft, I’m moving on!

11. Pursuing the Wrong Dreams

Perhaps if I had learned this lesson earlier, I would have fewer degrees. Alas. The fact is, it’s okay to have lots of dreams, but if I spend all my time going after the ones that won’t really make me happy … well, isn’t the outcome obvious? When it really comes down to it, I want very specific things out of life, and I have to content myself with who I really am. Spreading myself too thin not only isn’t effective, it takes away from what I really do what.

12. Failing to Exercise

This is just obvious. And true. And obvious.

13. Nursing Negative Feelings

It feels good to spend a lot of time harping on all the things that feel bad. So … many … things. And yet, does it really? Am I really any happier when I spend an hour thinking about how someone wronged me? Does it really give me clarity, peace, happiness? Sometimes I genuinely need to vent or make a decision, but most of the time I’m just nursing a grudge instead of adding beauty or love to the world.

14. Failing to Follow Through

I start so many endeavors with the highest of ambitions, but they tend to fade as time wears on. Sometimes this is a good thing: I’m really not meant to do karate or drink kombucha. I can accept that. But sometimes I genuinely disappoint myself as well as, I have to assume, others. Following through is very important to me, yet I consistently leave projects unfinished. This behavior never makes me happy, and I’m working hard to nip it in the bud.

15. Setting Unrealistic Goals

Of course, if I want to follow through, I need to set reasonable goals. For instance, I’m continually telling myself I’ll stop eating sugar. But … but … I really love donuts. And chocolate. And donuts. So why do I keep setting this goal? It’s unrealistic and silly. That doesn’t mean I can’t stand to work on my relationship with sweets, but it probably isn’t ever going to work to tell myself not to eat them at all. Rather, accepting how much I love them is more likely to give me the strength to figure out how to manage them.

16. Hating When It’s Hard

Why? Why do I spend so much time grinding my teeth and wishing for something easier when it just won’t make a difference? The thing about easy is it isn’t even particularly rewarding. It doesn’t help you sleep at night, doesn’t give you a feeling of satisfaction at the end of a long day, and doesn’t particularly impress other people. When I want easy, I try to remind my brain that it isn’t in control: I am. And I like hard.

17. Thinking I’m Owed Anything

We all know the world owes us nothing. We all choose to forget it. Enough said.

18. Giving Up On Challenges

Funny thing about challenges: they often don’t start out that way. For me, at least, a challenge begins life as a soft, cloudy dream that just sounds so awesome. Before I know it, I’m away on some project or endeavor that too quickly becomes tiresome and difficult. Does that mean I’d be any less pleased with the end result? Probably not. But I give up because the in-between time sucks, and I’d rather not be there. Mistake.

19. Forgetting to Ask For Help

I often don’t ask for help because I’m embarrassed or prideful. But sometimes I just forget. I look at the people around me who ask for a lot more than I do, and I’ll be honest, I judge them for being weak or leaning too heavily on others. But you know what? They get more help. And no one seems to resent them. Rather, people like being asked for help or advice! So clearly I’m the one missing out.

20. Spending Time With the Wrong People

I’m happy to say this is one that I’ve gotten a lot better at, and my social life now reflects the people and places I’m willing to devote my time to. However, it’s starting to become clear to me that there are some people I love very deeply whom I sometimes still shouldn’t spend time with, depending on the situation. My party-loving friends don’t help me get work done. Mild acquaintances don’t make good companions when I’m feeling low and really need to open up. And my parents, so loving, sometimes aren’t a great place to turn when I don’t want to talk.

These lessons have been hard for me to learn, and none of them are single-repetition cases. Rather, I’ve learned them over and over again, forgotten them, and relearned. (Then, it will shock you to know, re-forgotten.) But I’m trying.

What about you? Do you have habits you just don’t seem to break no matter what?

Tip Day: 5 Reasons To Let Yourself Be Intimidated

So much of what we read tells us about how to avoid intimidation, overcome intimidation or meet intimidation head on. Classes about speaking less fearfully, where we’re supposed to imagine the audience naked. Books, articles, blog posts about the psychology of feeling small, feeling big. Empowerment movements. Uplifting weekend retreats. Motivational Jazzercise seminars. Whatever.

And none of these are bad. They’re all great, in fact. But I’ve learned the hard way that avoiding intimidation, trying to step around it or feel bigger than it or say, like a little kid in the dark, “You don’t scare me!” isn’t what makes me be my best self. In fact, when I’m actively feeling intimidated is when I often shine. Not convinced? Consider:

1. Easy Things Don’t Motivate Us

They don’t. If something is simple, we might do it, but it doesn’t make us want to do better, prove anything, overcome, reach for the stars. Easy things feel comfortable, and so they’re reserved for comfortable places, comfortable times. They’re security blankets, and who wants to reinvent the security blanket? NO ONE. Because it’s perfect as it is. But wrapped around you so snuggly and warm, it probably isn’t doing much to amp up your dreams.

2. We Think About Intimidating Things

As a card-carrying insomniac, I can tell you that fear will really, really make you think about things. If you’re intimidated by something, you dwell. You see it from all angles. You think it through. You get to know it subtly, artfully, deliberately, fully … sometimes frighteningly. Feel the intimidation, ask why, probe it, see what makes it go away. But don’t pretend it isn’t there, or “rise above” and just move on.

3. Fear Gives You Options

If you’re afraid, your brain goes into overdrive. This isn’t a manifesto for being afraid all the time, but I have found that when I let myself actually soak in intimidation for a short amount of time — maybe only a few minutes — I often come out knowing more about myself, my options and which of them meet the standards I’ve set for my life.

4. Intimidation Won’t Kill You

Think about it. Intimidation is a leftover biological mechanism from when we can down out of the trees. Lions and jaguars would end your hopes right there, but you know what? Pursuing the perfect souffle won’t. Asking her out won’t. Learning to use Pinterest won’t. So instead of shutting down that fear, allowing it to rule you, or even imagining it naked, thank it. If you’re intimidated, it means something is important to you. We don’t fear what we don’t care about.

5. Feeling Daunted Leads to Courage

It’s true. Donuts don’t lead to courage. Lying in bed doesn’t lead to courage. The easy, the trite, the mundane and the comfortable lead to lots of nice things, but they do not lead to bravery or a willingness to stand up for what’s right, positive or beautiful. Intimidation, on the other hand, instills courage in us when we allow ourselves to feel it and respond by saying, Yes, I’ll do it anyway.