Staying Steady When Stressed

BoxesI don’t know about you, but when I’m stressed out I immediately start looking for the extraneous elements in my life. The expendables. The fungibles. I can cut that dinner date; I don’t really need to go shopping yet; that is just a pet project, not something that has to be done.

Take moving. I, unlike most people, hate moving. I cannot stand living out of boxes, or even the sight of boxes. It triggers my ADD and sends me into a never-ending spiral of fear and loathing. But it’s more than that: disruption causes me to give up on things I normally care about, like good eating, exercising and working on side projects.

To a certain extent this is normal. Something’s gotta give when life is turned upside down. But only to a certain extent: I still have time for the things I value, I just don’t really have the motivation. If you’ve read my other posts you know I’m completely obsessed with the book Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength, which says that during times of upheaval, we are lower on glucose, the brain chemical that lends us motivation and follow-through.

So, fine. I should cut myself a break. But why do I also bail on things I still really have time for? Why do I lose faith in my work and life? Why do I start to consider the frailty of my hopes and dreams just because I’m a little discombobulated?

Well, I guess glucose is probably behind those questions as well. But one of my goals for this year, which includes an imminent move and a baby due in less than three months, is to figure out how to stay levelheaded when life is swirling around me. I’m not so great at it yet, but any suggestions you have will surely help.

20 Habits That Don’t Improve My Life: A Mini-Manifesto

KnowThyselfThe high-stress times often give us the most cause to think about our lives. I’m finding that to be particularly true right now, as I’m six months pregnant, moving in less than two weeks, behind in work and stuck at home. Truly, a recipe for serenity.

I’m almost 30 years old, and although I have plenty to show for it and don’t want to sound ungrateful, I consistently rediscover that my projections for the future are not as realistic as I’d like to think. I.e. “Life is going to be so awesome then! Then it will all make sense! Then I’ll stop making stupid mistakes! Then I’ll find the stability/freedom from drama/inner peace/self-love I crave!”

Well … yes and no. Every passing day brings me closer to my dreams: having children, starting a blog, working full-time as a writer. But through it all, I seem to be the same old me, putting on the same old emotional hats, and a lot of them just don’t fit. Recently I did a thorough inventory of these behaviors and emotions to come up with a list of habits that don’t improve my life. A mini-manifesto, if you will. Suffice it to say, it was … long.

1. Regretting Choices I Didn’t Make

Everywhere I look, it seems like someone or something wants to remind me of a choice I failed to make. I could have been a graphic designer. I could have been a travel guide. I could have been a web developer. Well, I’m not. Probably for a reason. We can’t really do it all, and it’s time for me to accept that.

2. Wishing I Were Someone Else

Other people’s lives look so dang glorious. Their hair is perfect, their children are perfect, their cars are perfect, their careers are perfect. In the pictures, at least. Even those who make a living off shouting self-deprecatingly from the rooftops — “See?! I’m not perfect either!” — seem perfect to me. But they aren’t. And if I let them feel bad about me, well, that’s on … me.

3. Judging Others’ Happiness

If it makes them happy, who the hell am I?

4. Gossiping

Although some research indicates that gossip may actually aid social interactions by reinforcing good behavior and ostracizing people who misbehave, for the most part it isn’t a good road to go down. Do I do it? Sure. Should I? Well, let’s just say that most of the time I do, I don’t feel better afterward. In fact, I often feel worse, having spent so much time focusing on negative emotions and engaging in behavior that doesn’t really get me anywhere.

5. Putting Tasks Off

It never feels better. It never feels better. It never feels better.

6. Sticking My Head in the Sand

So, so often I choose to waste time and energy trying to pretend nothing is happening. Of course, I know it’s happening, because I’m spending the time and energy trying to convince myself otherwise. Hmm. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s better to make the phone call, have the conversation, pay the bill or otherwise deal. Problems rarely go away or become not-problems. Sadly.

7. Spend Too Much Money

Spending too much money is one of my worst habits, and I tend to indulge it in every area of life: food, clothes, household goods, craft supplies, gifts for other people. I’ve heard tell that other people have problems with chronic underbuying, but that sure ain’t me. I’ve learned the hard way that spending doesn’t make me happy in a lasting why unless the item itself will continue to add to my life.

8. Railing Against Authority

I dislike authority, but unfortunately, some form or other will always be present in my life. As I get older and more autonomous with work, I find myself at the mercy of fewer and fewer outside authorities, but I’m not exempt. I still have editors. I still have friends and family who expect me to behave in socially acceptable ways. The police can still stop me pretty much on a whim. Instead of hating this, I’m trying hard to see others’ points of view.

9. Wishing I Were a Different Person

This is subtly different from wishing I were someone else. Instead of wanting to emulate another’s life, I simply want different qualities in my own. I wish I were budget-conscious. I wish I got up and did my hair every morning. I wish I didn’t have to control my temper. Guess what? Too bad. Might as well accept who I am, and find the workarounds.

10. Feeling Ashamed

In limited situations, shame is a useful emotion. It’s one I’ve genuinely earned a number of times. But sadly, like many others, I feel it so much more often than is really warranted. Shame creeps on me for many reasons, eroding my faith in myself and limiting my ability to chase my dreams. Why let it? Now when I feel ashamed, I spend a minute trying to figure out whether it’s justified. If it isn’t, pffft, I’m moving on!

11. Pursuing the Wrong Dreams

Perhaps if I had learned this lesson earlier, I would have fewer degrees. Alas. The fact is, it’s okay to have lots of dreams, but if I spend all my time going after the ones that won’t really make me happy … well, isn’t the outcome obvious? When it really comes down to it, I want very specific things out of life, and I have to content myself with who I really am. Spreading myself too thin not only isn’t effective, it takes away from what I really do what.

12. Failing to Exercise

This is just obvious. And true. And obvious.

13. Nursing Negative Feelings

It feels good to spend a lot of time harping on all the things that feel bad. So … many … things. And yet, does it really? Am I really any happier when I spend an hour thinking about how someone wronged me? Does it really give me clarity, peace, happiness? Sometimes I genuinely need to vent or make a decision, but most of the time I’m just nursing a grudge instead of adding beauty or love to the world.

14. Failing to Follow Through

I start so many endeavors with the highest of ambitions, but they tend to fade as time wears on. Sometimes this is a good thing: I’m really not meant to do karate or drink kombucha. I can accept that. But sometimes I genuinely disappoint myself as well as, I have to assume, others. Following through is very important to me, yet I consistently leave projects unfinished. This behavior never makes me happy, and I’m working hard to nip it in the bud.

15. Setting Unrealistic Goals

Of course, if I want to follow through, I need to set reasonable goals. For instance, I’m continually telling myself I’ll stop eating sugar. But … but … I really love donuts. And chocolate. And donuts. So why do I keep setting this goal? It’s unrealistic and silly. That doesn’t mean I can’t stand to work on my relationship with sweets, but it probably isn’t ever going to work to tell myself not to eat them at all. Rather, accepting how much I love them is more likely to give me the strength to figure out how to manage them.

16. Hating When It’s Hard

Why? Why do I spend so much time grinding my teeth and wishing for something easier when it just won’t make a difference? The thing about easy is it isn’t even particularly rewarding. It doesn’t help you sleep at night, doesn’t give you a feeling of satisfaction at the end of a long day, and doesn’t particularly impress other people. When I want easy, I try to remind my brain that it isn’t in control: I am. And I like hard.

17. Thinking I’m Owed Anything

We all know the world owes us nothing. We all choose to forget it. Enough said.

18. Giving Up On Challenges

Funny thing about challenges: they often don’t start out that way. For me, at least, a challenge begins life as a soft, cloudy dream that just sounds so awesome. Before I know it, I’m away on some project or endeavor that too quickly becomes tiresome and difficult. Does that mean I’d be any less pleased with the end result? Probably not. But I give up because the in-between time sucks, and I’d rather not be there. Mistake.

19. Forgetting to Ask For Help

I often don’t ask for help because I’m embarrassed or prideful. But sometimes I just forget. I look at the people around me who ask for a lot more than I do, and I’ll be honest, I judge them for being weak or leaning too heavily on others. But you know what? They get more help. And no one seems to resent them. Rather, people like being asked for help or advice! So clearly I’m the one missing out.

20. Spending Time With the Wrong People

I’m happy to say this is one that I’ve gotten a lot better at, and my social life now reflects the people and places I’m willing to devote my time to. However, it’s starting to become clear to me that there are some people I love very deeply whom I sometimes still shouldn’t spend time with, depending on the situation. My party-loving friends don’t help me get work done. Mild acquaintances don’t make good companions when I’m feeling low and really need to open up. And my parents, so loving, sometimes aren’t a great place to turn when I don’t want to talk.

These lessons have been hard for me to learn, and none of them are single-repetition cases. Rather, I’ve learned them over and over again, forgotten them, and relearned. (Then, it will shock you to know, re-forgotten.) But I’m trying.

What about you? Do you have habits you just don’t seem to break no matter what?

Get Power Over Your Dreams and Yourself With Mindfulness

Indian-Girl-NamasteOh really? you say. Mindfulness helps people? No kidding. Go tell someone who’s been living under a rock for the past ten years.

I know, I know, mindfulness is nothing new. But it is still astonishingly hard to incorporate into our everyday lives. Personally, I struggle with it mightily. Every time I fixate on the past, I’m letting a bygone version of myself take control. Every time I talk down to myself, I’m sending the message that all my dreams, hopes, wishes, and determinations are stupid and futile. I slip unthinkingly  into negative patterns that degrade my self-worth and make me think others think less of me as well.


So lately I’ve been thinking about ways I can draw myself back to the center of who I really am instead of spreading my energy all over every neurosis or psychosis that pops into my madly whirring little brain. And though I was already planning this post this morning, the heavens must have aligned, because in inbox I found not one but two emails about this very subject.

From the very wise Barrie Davenport comes the post Mindfulness Practice: 8 Powerful Benefits, which advocates actively, intentionally staying in the present as a way to reduce stress, improve memory, stop negative overthinking and reduce emotional reactivity. It also, she says, reduces fear, makes us more flexible thinkers, betters our relationships and improves sleep. Sounds terrible.

And according to the University of California, Berkeley’s blog The Greater Good, mindfulness even plays into body image. Students who approach situations open-mindedly and live in the moment as opposed to the past or present are more accepting of their bodies, indicating that acceptance of outside events is correlated with inner acceptance. However, a lot of time spent observing emotions and thoughts tempered this acceptance, indicating the students might be better off if they avoided this other aspect of mindfulness. Food for thought indeed.

For me, the important idea here is not that we can feel better about how we look or get more sleep, although those are incredibly important benefits that I wouldn’t mind reaping. But to me, the takeaway is that we have control over our thoughts and the effects they have on our lives. When I spend too much time in my head, in the past, and in the glorious future (which is never quite as glorious as it promises to be), I’m not as happy. Staying in the present moment can help reduce the emotional weight I put on myself.

That, in turn, leaves me with more energy to pursue the things I really care about: writing, art, food, family, friends. And fine, I admit it: sleep too.

Your Thoughts Are Worth Hearing

littlemonsterFears are like monsters. THEY WILL EAT YOUR FACE IF YOU LET THEM.

Personally, my fears are practically endless. Normal ones, like plane crashes and something happening to my kid. More exotic ones, like alien abduction or actually appearing naked before an audience. I could catalog them all for you, but you’d get bored. Fast.

Suffice it to say, I’ve had to work very, very hard to keep these fears from standing in my way. And even despite that, they have. Why, for instance, have I known I wanted to be a writer since the age of five (true story, ask my mom), but didn’t go to journalism school until I was 26? Why did I write several manuscripts but only make a real effort to get them published a few years ago? Fear, plain and simple. I’ve chosen safe and easy routes, and frankly I’m not the hardest worker either. But for the most part, this reluctance is due to a lack of faith that people want to hear what I have to say.

Why? I’m not sure, but I do know that many people suffer from this same problem. The thing is, the world is a huge place. There are so many people out there it’s basically impossible to say something that won’t spark interest in at least a few like-minded souls. I don’t care if you’re convinced your dead pug is speaking to you through your grandmother. Or you collect stones shaped like the Pope. Someone, somewhere, wants to hear it so what are you waiting for?

More to the point, what am I waiting for? The perfect moment, the perfect statement, the perfect me? It doesn’t exist. We all wish for our perfect selves, but in reality, that’s too much to live up to, and awfully hard to by friends with.

Like Seth Godin said: “The only thing worse than starting something and failing … is not starting.” So start. Fail. Then start again. And when you’ve figured out that process, come tell me how you did it, because I would love to hear your thoughts. (See? I told you someone did.)

Notes on the Habit of Following Through

VioletBasket Very little in life just happens. That’s why it’s baffling to me that, despite understanding this maxim very well, I fail to follow through on so much. I’m not even talking about things I have to do: I regularly put off things I want to do. Why? What does this say about me?

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent my whole life intending to make certain dreams come true, and then watching the Big Bang Theory in my underwear instead. I hate this about myself. So I did some research, trying to figure out why I possess a fatal lack of follow-through.

Well, according to a Harvard study entitled Making the Best Laid Plans Better: How PlanMaking Increases FollowThrough, some plans just suck. In fact, some plans aren’t even plans.

If you really want to follow through on something, you should:

* Want to do it

* Make a concrete plan of action

* State it publicly

* Think about how to overcome the obstacles

Your plan will also work best if you have not already made a competing plan, if you are naturally forgetful, if you have time limitations and if there are specific moments during which your plan will be most effective.

Of course, these strategies don’t comprise a cure-all, but I had the opportunity to test them today, with good results. I’d been wanting to take some pictures of my daughter for a while, and snow presented the perfect opportunity. But when I work up late this morning feeling blah, I almost didn’t do it. Luckily, I’d already made the plans. Basket: check. Coat: check. Camera: check. Plans: CHECK. Plus I’m super forgetful, the snow wasn’t going to last, and all I had to do was actually take the darn pictures.

Guess what? I actually did. Now I have a bunch of bright, colorful, snowy pictures in my photo library that weren’t there this morning! Note to self: make more plans.