20 Habits That Don’t Improve My Life: A Mini-Manifesto

KnowThyselfThe high-stress times often give us the most cause to think about our lives. I’m finding that to be particularly true right now, as I’m six months pregnant, moving in less than two weeks, behind in work and stuck at home. Truly, a recipe for serenity.

I’m almost 30 years old, and although I have plenty to show for it and don’t want to sound ungrateful, I consistently rediscover that my projections for the future are not as realistic as I’d like to think. I.e. “Life is going to be so awesome then! Then it will all make sense! Then I’ll stop making stupid mistakes! Then I’ll find the stability/freedom from drama/inner peace/self-love I crave!”

Well … yes and no. Every passing day brings me closer to my dreams: having children, starting a blog, working full-time as a writer. But through it all, I seem to be the same old me, putting on the same old emotional hats, and a lot of them just don’t fit. Recently I did a thorough inventory of these behaviors and emotions to come up with a list of habits that don’t improve my life. A mini-manifesto, if you will. Suffice it to say, it was … long.

1. Regretting Choices I Didn’t Make

Everywhere I look, it seems like someone or something wants to remind me of a choice I failed to make. I could have been a graphic designer. I could have been a travel guide. I could have been a web developer. Well, I’m not. Probably for a reason. We can’t really do it all, and it’s time for me to accept that.

2. Wishing I Were Someone Else

Other people’s lives look so dang glorious. Their hair is perfect, their children are perfect, their cars are perfect, their careers are perfect. In the pictures, at least. Even those who make a living off shouting self-deprecatingly from the rooftops — “See?! I’m not perfect either!” — seem perfect to me. But they aren’t. And if I let them feel bad about me, well, that’s on … me.

3. Judging Others’ Happiness

If it makes them happy, who the hell am I?

4. Gossiping

Although some research indicates that gossip may actually aid social interactions by reinforcing good behavior and ostracizing people who misbehave, for the most part it isn’t a good road to go down. Do I do it? Sure. Should I? Well, let’s just say that most of the time I do, I don’t feel better afterward. In fact, I often feel worse, having spent so much time focusing on negative emotions and engaging in behavior that doesn’t really get me anywhere.

5. Putting Tasks Off

It never feels better. It never feels better. It never feels better.

6. Sticking My Head in the Sand

So, so often I choose to waste time and energy trying to pretend nothing is happening. Of course, I know it’s happening, because I’m spending the time and energy trying to convince myself otherwise. Hmm. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s better to make the phone call, have the conversation, pay the bill or otherwise deal. Problems rarely go away or become not-problems. Sadly.

7. Spend Too Much Money

Spending too much money is one of my worst habits, and I tend to indulge it in every area of life: food, clothes, household goods, craft supplies, gifts for other people. I’ve heard tell that other people have problems with chronic underbuying, but that sure ain’t me. I’ve learned the hard way that spending doesn’t make me happy in a lasting why unless the item itself will continue to add to my life.

8. Railing Against Authority

I dislike authority, but unfortunately, some form or other will always be present in my life. As I get older and more autonomous with work, I find myself at the mercy of fewer and fewer outside authorities, but I’m not exempt. I still have editors. I still have friends and family who expect me to behave in socially acceptable ways. The police can still stop me pretty much on a whim. Instead of hating this, I’m trying hard to see others’ points of view.

9. Wishing I Were a Different Person

This is subtly different from wishing I were someone else. Instead of wanting to emulate another’s life, I simply want different qualities in my own. I wish I were budget-conscious. I wish I got up and did my hair every morning. I wish I didn’t have to control my temper. Guess what? Too bad. Might as well accept who I am, and find the workarounds.

10. Feeling Ashamed

In limited situations, shame is a useful emotion. It’s one I’ve genuinely earned a number of times. But sadly, like many others, I feel it so much more often than is really warranted. Shame creeps on me for many reasons, eroding my faith in myself and limiting my ability to chase my dreams. Why let it? Now when I feel ashamed, I spend a minute trying to figure out whether it’s justified. If it isn’t, pffft, I’m moving on!

11. Pursuing the Wrong Dreams

Perhaps if I had learned this lesson earlier, I would have fewer degrees. Alas. The fact is, it’s okay to have lots of dreams, but if I spend all my time going after the ones that won’t really make me happy … well, isn’t the outcome obvious? When it really comes down to it, I want very specific things out of life, and I have to content myself with who I really am. Spreading myself too thin not only isn’t effective, it takes away from what I really do what.

12. Failing to Exercise

This is just obvious. And true. And obvious.

13. Nursing Negative Feelings

It feels good to spend a lot of time harping on all the things that feel bad. So … many … things. And yet, does it really? Am I really any happier when I spend an hour thinking about how someone wronged me? Does it really give me clarity, peace, happiness? Sometimes I genuinely need to vent or make a decision, but most of the time I’m just nursing a grudge instead of adding beauty or love to the world.

14. Failing to Follow Through

I start so many endeavors with the highest of ambitions, but they tend to fade as time wears on. Sometimes this is a good thing: I’m really not meant to do karate or drink kombucha. I can accept that. But sometimes I genuinely disappoint myself as well as, I have to assume, others. Following through is very important to me, yet I consistently leave projects unfinished. This behavior never makes me happy, and I’m working hard to nip it in the bud.

15. Setting Unrealistic Goals

Of course, if I want to follow through, I need to set reasonable goals. For instance, I’m continually telling myself I’ll stop eating sugar. But … but … I really love donuts. And chocolate. And donuts. So why do I keep setting this goal? It’s unrealistic and silly. That doesn’t mean I can’t stand to work on my relationship with sweets, but it probably isn’t ever going to work to tell myself not to eat them at all. Rather, accepting how much I love them is more likely to give me the strength to figure out how to manage them.

16. Hating When It’s Hard

Why? Why do I spend so much time grinding my teeth and wishing for something easier when it just won’t make a difference? The thing about easy is it isn’t even particularly rewarding. It doesn’t help you sleep at night, doesn’t give you a feeling of satisfaction at the end of a long day, and doesn’t particularly impress other people. When I want easy, I try to remind my brain that it isn’t in control: I am. And I like hard.

17. Thinking I’m Owed Anything

We all know the world owes us nothing. We all choose to forget it. Enough said.

18. Giving Up On Challenges

Funny thing about challenges: they often don’t start out that way. For me, at least, a challenge begins life as a soft, cloudy dream that just sounds so awesome. Before I know it, I’m away on some project or endeavor that too quickly becomes tiresome and difficult. Does that mean I’d be any less pleased with the end result? Probably not. But I give up because the in-between time sucks, and I’d rather not be there. Mistake.

19. Forgetting to Ask For Help

I often don’t ask for help because I’m embarrassed or prideful. But sometimes I just forget. I look at the people around me who ask for a lot more than I do, and I’ll be honest, I judge them for being weak or leaning too heavily on others. But you know what? They get more help. And no one seems to resent them. Rather, people like being asked for help or advice! So clearly I’m the one missing out.

20. Spending Time With the Wrong People

I’m happy to say this is one that I’ve gotten a lot better at, and my social life now reflects the people and places I’m willing to devote my time to. However, it’s starting to become clear to me that there are some people I love very deeply whom I sometimes still shouldn’t spend time with, depending on the situation. My party-loving friends don’t help me get work done. Mild acquaintances don’t make good companions when I’m feeling low and really need to open up. And my parents, so loving, sometimes aren’t a great place to turn when I don’t want to talk.

These lessons have been hard for me to learn, and none of them are single-repetition cases. Rather, I’ve learned them over and over again, forgotten them, and relearned. (Then, it will shock you to know, re-forgotten.) But I’m trying.

What about you? Do you have habits you just don’t seem to break no matter what?

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Get Power Over Your Dreams and Yourself With Mindfulness

Indian-Girl-NamasteOh really? you say. Mindfulness helps people? No kidding. Go tell someone who’s been living under a rock for the past ten years.

I know, I know, mindfulness is nothing new. But it is still astonishingly hard to incorporate into our everyday lives. Personally, I struggle with it mightily. Every time I fixate on the past, I’m letting a bygone version of myself take control. Every time I talk down to myself, I’m sending the message that all my dreams, hopes, wishes, and determinations are stupid and futile. I slip unthinkingly  into negative patterns that degrade my self-worth and make me think others think less of me as well.

Healthy.

So lately I’ve been thinking about ways I can draw myself back to the center of who I really am instead of spreading my energy all over every neurosis or psychosis that pops into my madly whirring little brain. And though I was already planning this post this morning, the heavens must have aligned, because in inbox I found not one but two emails about this very subject.

From the very wise Barrie Davenport comes the post Mindfulness Practice: 8 Powerful Benefits, which advocates actively, intentionally staying in the present as a way to reduce stress, improve memory, stop negative overthinking and reduce emotional reactivity. It also, she says, reduces fear, makes us more flexible thinkers, betters our relationships and improves sleep. Sounds terrible.

And according to the University of California, Berkeley’s blog The Greater Good, mindfulness even plays into body image. Students who approach situations open-mindedly and live in the moment as opposed to the past or present are more accepting of their bodies, indicating that acceptance of outside events is correlated with inner acceptance. However, a lot of time spent observing emotions and thoughts tempered this acceptance, indicating the students might be better off if they avoided this other aspect of mindfulness. Food for thought indeed.

For me, the important idea here is not that we can feel better about how we look or get more sleep, although those are incredibly important benefits that I wouldn’t mind reaping. But to me, the takeaway is that we have control over our thoughts and the effects they have on our lives. When I spend too much time in my head, in the past, and in the glorious future (which is never quite as glorious as it promises to be), I’m not as happy. Staying in the present moment can help reduce the emotional weight I put on myself.

That, in turn, leaves me with more energy to pursue the things I really care about: writing, art, food, family, friends. And fine, I admit it: sleep too.

Notes on the Habit of Following Through

VioletBasket Very little in life just happens. That’s why it’s baffling to me that, despite understanding this maxim very well, I fail to follow through on so much. I’m not even talking about things I have to do: I regularly put off things I want to do. Why? What does this say about me?

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent my whole life intending to make certain dreams come true, and then watching the Big Bang Theory in my underwear instead. I hate this about myself. So I did some research, trying to figure out why I possess a fatal lack of follow-through.

Well, according to a Harvard study entitled Making the Best Laid Plans Better: How PlanMaking Increases FollowThrough, some plans just suck. In fact, some plans aren’t even plans.

If you really want to follow through on something, you should:

* Want to do it

* Make a concrete plan of action

* State it publicly

* Think about how to overcome the obstacles

Your plan will also work best if you have not already made a competing plan, if you are naturally forgetful, if you have time limitations and if there are specific moments during which your plan will be most effective.

Of course, these strategies don’t comprise a cure-all, but I had the opportunity to test them today, with good results. I’d been wanting to take some pictures of my daughter for a while, and snow presented the perfect opportunity. But when I work up late this morning feeling blah, I almost didn’t do it. Luckily, I’d already made the plans. Basket: check. Coat: check. Camera: check. Plans: CHECK. Plus I’m super forgetful, the snow wasn’t going to last, and all I had to do was actually take the darn pictures.

Guess what? I actually did. Now I have a bunch of bright, colorful, snowy pictures in my photo library that weren’t there this morning! Note to self: make more plans.

Blue-Chairs-Teal-FenceYellowedConiferPinkCarnation

Why It Feels Like You Can Never Catch Up With Your Dreams

800px-Marathon_RunnersMy dreams are constant and yet constantly changing.

How can that be? you ask. Well, it’s tricky. Life isn’t like a marathon, with one easily definable target: the finish line. Many of my larger, unspecified dreams (“be a writer” or “be healthy”) contain nested within them smaller, more achievable goals. This aligns with all the research about goal-setting, but leaves me open to the feeling, even once I achieve these smaller goals, that I haven’t really gotten what I came for. Yes, I have a blog. Yes, I’ve written several book manuscripts. Yes, my day job consists entirely of crafting the written word. So have I achieved my dream? Am I a “writer”? Sometimes I say yes; often it feels like no.

I recently read the executive summary for Brian Tracy’s Goals! How to Get Everything You Want – Faster Than You Ever Thought Possible. The book looks fantastic, all about setting realistic goals aligned with who you truly are and what you really want out of life.

I took his advice and wrote down specific, measurable, metrics-based goals for what I’d like to accomplish the end of 2014. The exact weight I’d like to be six months after I push out this baby. The precise monetary target I’d like to hit by December 31. The number of products I aim to post on the Etsy shop I want to open at Thanksgiving. These are great goals, easily measured and totally achievable.

So what’s the problem? Well, on the one hand, there isn’t one. I will probably achieve these things, and they will give me a feeling of accomplishment.

On the other hand, I will look at the scale when I hit my goal weight and think: I still don’t like my hair.

I will peruse my bank statements and realize: I wish it had been more.

When I open my online shop, I’ll have about two seconds of gratification before I wonder: Where are the customers?

These thoughts are okay. They drive me to do better, push on, keep accomplishing and bettering myself. If I didn’t have these thoughts, my dreams would grow stale and pass by the wayside and I’d be left with nothing but a few past accomplishments that lose their flavor very quickly.

Yet this type of thinking poses a danger as well, limiting my ability to enjoy successes as they come and live in the present. I must be wary ingratitude for all that I have and all I can do if I put my mind to it. These are incredible gifts, and spending a year using them to better myself is an opportunity I am incredibly blessed to have. It’s important to fight the tendency to dismiss the now in favor of a never-really-much-better future. Now is incredible, and really, it’s all we have.

5 Ways to Pursue Your Dreams Effectively

Wishing_Well_at_Luray_CavernsI spent a lot of time in my childhood visiting my father in Virginia, where I frequented Luray Caverns and this famous underground wishing well on several occasions. The wishing well, I’ve come to realize, is a great metaphor for our brains: we spend a lot of time tossing dreams in, but often only a little time afterward trying to make them come true.

Indeed, sometimes it’s hard to define when our good intentions and plans for the future cross over from the realm of positive, real effort to indulgence in sweet daydreams about what we might like to accomplish.

After all, as humans, we are very, very good at fooling ourselves. As I wrote about here, even announcing our intentions to do something can give us a false sense of accomplishment that convinces us it’s okay to “relax our efforts” about a daunting challenge we’ve only recently undertaken or haven’t even started yet. Why this should be is as yet an unsolved mystery, but I’ve realized I have to guard very, very carefully against this kind of thinking. With that in mind, I’ve been lately researching what other writers and bloggers have to say on the subject, and have come up with a list of things you can do to protect yourself against false progress and really get stuff done.

1. Go On A Date With Your Dreams

I wrote about this in this post, and I really don’t think there’s any better place to start figuring out how to get what you want. Because the thing is, if you try to convince yourself you want something that you really don’t, you’re not going to get very far. If you have a long-held dream you’ve never started, or are failing at one you’ve been pursuing for a while, it’s time to ask if that dream is for you. Is medical school right for you? Should you be planning this wedding? Do you really want to be a size 2, or would a plan to involve fresh veggies in every meal accomplish your health dreams just as well? I’m not saying your dreams are false, because usually they aren’t. I’m just saying you ought to make sure.

2. Break Tasks Down Into Their Smallest Components

If you want to repaint your dining room set but putting “repaint dining room set” on your To Do List has so far yielded little result, you need to break the task down further. What do you need to start? Sandpaper? Primer? Paint? Topcoat? TIME? Make a plan for how you’re going to get all of these things, and put real, measurable actions on your list instead of broad dreams. For instance, you might list “ask Mom about taking the kids” and “research paint colors at Home Depot.” These steps are as small as they can be, and therefore much less daunting.

3. Utilize Your Resources Effectively

Lots of people fail because they aren’t turning to the right places for help. I know I’m guilty of this: I want to write about lifestyle, dreams, goals, careers and happiness … but somehow I’ve spent my whole life trying to convince myself I’m a science writer, a food writer, a culture writer. Well, I’m not. Therefore I need to pick up books and read blogs related to the things I’m actually driven to write about, and engage with the people who actually want to hear what I have to say. Nothing else will work. Stop telling your fashion-oriented friends you want to be an economist and expecting them to care. Your vegan best friend probably isn’t going to be much help getting your bacon waffle stand off the ground. Find your people, find the places and things that will help you succeed instead of forcing the preexisting supports in your life to become something else.

4. Cut Yourself a Break

Again, I’m very guilty of not doing this. I’m all or nothing, either in it to win it or super unmotivated. Unfortunately, no one ever got anywhere spending all their time on reruns and giant bowls of noodles, but LOTS of successful people achieved by doing these things once in a while. Now I try to take a healthier approach, working until I really can’t anymore, and then taking a break. And then getting right back up and going at it once more.

5. Know Yourself

It’s taken me a long time to figure out that I do NOT benefit from telling my plans to people. When I do, I get paralyzed: I start worrying about showing them the final product, or even the work-in-progress, and anxiety roots deeply and firmly. So when I’m starting something new these days, I tend to keep mum. However, you may be part of the large tribe of people who benefit from outside motivation and the threat of embarrassment when you fail, so telling people may be the best way for you to pursue your dreams. It’s all about what works for you.

I’m Still Married Because I Admit When It Sucks

HWClub_BlogButnA_400x100This post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! 

That’s right. You heard me. I’m still married because when it sucks, I call it for what it is:

Pure, unadulterated suckiness.

People are often impressed to hear that I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, since I was 19. That doesn’t happen as often as it used to, and a lot of my friends are still searching for the perfect someone. So I’m proud to call this marriage my own. But, then, being with one person can be trying. It has its ups and downs, highs and lows, peaks and valleys. If you will.

Most of the time, of course, I’m very, very, very happy with my husband. Deliriously happy. Crazy happy. He is a dream I’ve achieved, and that’s a good feeling.

But I’ve been with him for a long time, and things start to add up, so all told a lot of that time has been sucky. Not actively sucky, necessarily. Maybe sometimes a little sad, sometimes a little boring, sometimes a little more compromise-y than I’d like. Sometimes terrible, too.

And when that happens, I try not to hide from it. I don’t tell myself it’s a phase, because it isn’t. I don’t pretend not be be angry (though I bet he wishes I would).

It sounds strange to say this is a secret of marriage, admitting when things are really, really lame, but it is. Danielle LaPorte said it better than I ever could when she wrote that there is euphoria in admitting what sucks. What isn’t working.

“Don’t worry about how you’re going to fix what’s broke,” she writes. “Just notice what sucks with ruthless honesty.”

And that’s great advice. In her view, this often leads to breakthroughs where people realize, Oh my goodness, this life is totally wrong for me. I don’t want to be in this business. I don’t need a storefront to sell my merchandise, I don’t want to hate Sunday nights any longer.

“Quitting is a form of enlightenment, I tell ya.” To me, this doesn’t mean quitting my marriage, but rather quitting what breaks it. Quitting bad behaviors. Quitting my tendency to pretend things are alright when they aren’t, or that I’m behaving well when I’m not. Either way, I call it when it sucks. That way I avoid the pitfall of, as Danielle says, “planting misery seeds today and [expecting] to get a juicy crop next season.”

Because that ain’t never gonna work.

Fawn Weaver, the founder of the Happy Wives Club wrote a book about the best marriage secrets the world has to offer. They say the book is like “Eat, Pray, Love meets The 5 Love Languages.” I say the book is inspiring. You can grab a copy HERE.

Remembering Your Real Dreams: Why I Love My Husband

HWClub_BlogButnA_400x100This post is part of the Happy Wives Club Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with hundreds of inspiring bloggers. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! 

It’s funny how infrequently I stop to count my blessings.

Don’t get me wrong, I do it every night. I do it when I have a hard morning with my daughter, when I have to get on a plane (which always feels like my last day on Planet Earth), or when I receive unwanted — but probably justified — feedback at work. But really, I ought to be counting them all the time, and I don’t.

This is particularly true when it comes to my career. I spend a lot of time — a LOT — lamenting the fact that I haven’t made it yet. Of course, it’s understandable to have dreams that aren’t fulfilled. I’m only 29. My best friends are still figuring out what they want to do with their lives, and the ones that have made it are now considering whether they cultivated the right dreams, hunted the right game. Maybe they did, and are just suffering from the “arrival fallacy,” which says that getting there is never really as good as we imagine it will be. Never as fulfilling, never as easy, never as glamorous. Or maybe we’re just young and striving is the nature of the beast.

The point is, in the face of all I want to do, it’s hard to remember how many of my goals I have accomplished. I’ve been with my husband for more than 10 years, married more than five. I love him dearly, we have a good life, a beautiful daughter, a son on the way. I’m grateful, so grateful. But somehow, never quite grateful enough, it seems.

As Kelly Cutrone says in her book If You Have to Cry, Go Outside, the unavoidable truth is that in the real world things don’t always come in the order we’re taught to expect them. She goes on to point out that women are supposed to become successful and earn money before they settle down. Married? Congrats! Kids? Great! Hope your career’s already in the bag, though, because it’s going nowhere now.

Well, I don’t buy that. My husband is my biggest fan, best support, most immovable rock. His faith in me is unshakable, and if I do one day accomplish my dreams, it will be in no small part because of him.

The lesson? Kelly Cutrone is right: life doesn’t have to happen in the order we’re taught it will. A happy marriage with a wonderful man (or woman) only relegates a girl in the Stone Age if she lets it. Me? I’m going to get that career, accomplish those dreams, with my husband at my side. He doesn’t hold me back: He helps me fly higher.

Fawn Weaver, the founder of the Happy Wives Club wrote a book about the best marriage secrets the world has to offer. They say the book is like “Eat, Pray, Love meets The 5 Love Languages.” I say the book is inspiring. You can grab a copy HERE.